Wednesday, April 8, 2009

An Interview with Brian Goodman

Since it's April 8th and just started snowing outside my office window, I decided to interview another one of my friends and colleagues, Brian Goodman.

CGC: Which of these nicknames do you like best: BriGuy, BGood, or GOOD MAN?

BKG: BriGuy sounds like something you'd shout across a bar in Murray Hill. GOOD MAN isn't very original and the pause seems awkward. So let's go with BGood (although, many of my friends just call me Azul).

CGC: If Bohumil Hrabal, Philip Roth, and Ernest Hemingway were locked in a room and told to fight to the death, who would survive?

BKG: First, I'm assuming each is in his prime. Second, I'm assuming the following items are present in the room: one baseball mitt, one piece of liver, and a loaded shotgun. Roth would probably start masturbating immediately (likely using either the baseball mitt or the piece of liver), which would seriously threaten Hemingway's fragile sense of masculinity. Hemingway would blow off Roth's head with the shotgun, leaving his twitching corpse, pants at its ankles, at the feet of poor Bohumil. Hrabel casually asks Hemingway, in Czech, if the gory scene reminds him of a family of mice being dropped into a paper shredder. Hemingway is perplexed. Suddenly the sound of exploding bombs is heard in the distance. "What is that," Hemingway asks. "Dresden," Hrabel answers. "The firebombing." (Keep in mind, this is all occurring during Hrabel's prime, which means that it is possible that this event would occur contemporaneously). Hemingway is overcome with despair because of the violence he has caused and the violence that is out of his control. He gives into his suicidal tendencies and shoots himself in the face. Hrabel, the ultimate survivor, does not die until 1997 when he accidentally defenestrates himself while attempting to feed a group of pigeons on his windowsill.

CGC: Why is Worcester Oxford's sexiest college?

BKG: The ducks.

CGC: Would you rather be a bourgeoisie bank manager in 19th century Vienna or the 2009 Triple Crown Surfing champion?

BKG: Would I be Jewish in Vienna? That wouldn't bode well for my ancestors. But I seriously hate surfing (so much swimming against the current -- it's unnatural). So I'll just have to take the chance that my family emigrates pre-Anschluss.

CGC: Fill in the blanks: I am the best ______ in ______.

BKG: Forearms. Freaktown.

CGC: Thanks, Brian

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